Jay: Summers of Love (Seasons of Love Book 4) Read online

  Chapter 2

  Roxie

  Jay’s story had made me want to cry. He was such an important person in my life and I couldn’t imagine the inner torture that he had endured over the years because of his brothers.

  While I knew from others that siblings generally teased each other and the youngest always got the shorter end of the stick, I could see where Jay was coming from and why it bothered him so much.

  He needed to have his heart healed, but considering that his father was in the hospital that was going to be easier said than done. I was up for the challenge though. I just wanted to see him happy and confident in his self.

  “Babe, I know your mom offered for us to stay at your house, is that what you want to do? We can always drive back to mine for the night and come over here in the morning.”

  We’d dropped off the overnight bag for his mom and Jay had gotten to see his dad for just a minute.

  “Much as I hate having to be there with my brothers, it’s so much closer in case something happens. Mom did say that you should stay as well so I’m guessing she’s expecting you to stay in my room with me.”

  “I’d love to stay in your room. It’s been ages since I’ve been over there because of college. We’ll have to make some plans for when Wade gets into town, but for now I agree we need to be closer.” I wanted him to feel comfortable with the other guys around, but right now it was about him and making sure that my guy had all the support he needed during this difficult time.

  Neither of his brothers had made it back home yet when we pulled up and for the moment we had the house to ourselves.

  “Come on.” I urged as I pulled him up the stairs to his room.

  “What? Where are we going?” The confusion on Jay’s face was so cute.

  “To have some alone time before your brothers come home and I can’t scream when you make me cum.”

  His face turned red, “Um, I’m not sure that’s a great idea.”

  I stopped and put both hands on my hips, “Why is that? We haven’t had any time just the two of us in a while.”

  He groaned, “I’m just not sure I’m what you want. I mean what if I don’t do things right and you’re disappointed?”

  His words made me want to cry. I was happy that he was at least voicing it out loud, but that was probably because I’d put him on the spot.

  “Jay, honey, you could never disappoint me. Each one of you has your own gifts and my time alone with you is unique. I’m not comparing you to the others.”

  “Well, it feels like I’m just an extra and not a real part of the family. The guys include me and you try to include me, but I don’t know it feels like I’m an outsider looking in.”

  There wasn’t anything I could say to change that, instead I pulled him into my arms.

  “No, matter how you feel, I love you. The guys love you and you’re part of our family. Someday, we’ll all be one large family, but for right now it’s hard when we’re spread out everywhere.” I tilted my head up slightly to scan his face.

  “Now, we’re going to go up there and cuddle for a while. If you want to do something then you’re going to have to start it because I’m leaving it in your court.”

  “Great, no pressure.” He grabbed hold of my hand as we went up to his room.

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  While I didn’t want to portray a confidence with one of my guys, I needed Sarah’s advice on this and knew that she was the one to help me figure out something that would work with Jay.

  He was still asleep when I snuck out to sit on the enclosed porch out of his hearing to make the call.

  “Sarah, you’ve got to help me out. I don’t know what to do to give Jay confidence in the bedroom. If I start things he’s okay, but it’s almost like he’s cringing away from my touch.”

  She gave a yawn, “Does he want you to do stuff with him?”

  “Yes, he just doesn’t feel that he deserves it. Once, we get going then he’s fine and comes out of his shell. It’s getting him in the frame of mind to get started that’s the problem.” I sighed frustrated.

  “Well, if everything works okay, then you might need to find a way to get him engaged quicker. Try talking about what he likes or fantasizes about and then tell him about things you’d like him to do to you.”

  “Hmm, that doesn’t sound too bad. I know that having the other guys around makes him feel more self-conscious like he won’t measure up to what they’re doing.”

  “If all else fails go back to the internet and do a few searches. He can’t be the only one with this kind of problem, right?” Sarah chuckled, “You’re just lucky that you knew him well before you became involved otherwise you might never have gotten him into a bedroom at all.

  “Isn’t that the truth? I always knew he was shy, but he trusted the guys for some reason. The longer he was apart from us the more he retreated into himself. It’s like his brain is telling him something different from what he’s actually seeing.”

  “Hey, three out of four guys are pretty normal, so that should be a relief. Unless they’re hiding more stuff than you’ve told me?”

  “Nah,” I giggled at her sudden suspicions. “They all have their issues, but you’re right they are pretty normal. As normal as any of us can be really.”

  “Okay, well, I don’t feel too bad then. I thought you were holding out on me. I need to know about these subscription boys and if they need to be threatened if they hurt you. Although, I think they’ve got you pretty well covered in that regard.” Sarah gave a longing sigh, “I really wish I had one guy like that. They look at you with such tenderness and would take on anyone in the world for you.”

  “You know my family isn’t anything like that so I’m really jealous. I’m happy for you, but I’m just a thing to help my family run the business by make a good match for marriage. Dad, just needs a few heirs that are boys that he can place demands on to live his life through them.”

  “Sarah…” I could feel the pain through the phone. It wasn’t something that she talked about much, but I knew it was to cover the hurt she carried around with her all the time.

  “Don’t.” She stopped me, “This is about helping Jay know that you love him. We can always work on me another day. I know he’s really shy, but what if you took him to one of those clubs that do BDSM?”

  “Is that the bondage thing?”

  “It’s more than just bondage. It stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.”

  “What on earth does all that mean and how do you even know this?” I exclaimed confused.

  “I might have dated a Dom for a while. It was a little longer than a one night stand, but ultimately I’m just not the submissive type. I can do the switch thing in the bedroom. Outside of it, I’m not exactly someone that likes to be told what to do. It was a fun education couple of months, but it wasn’t what I was looking for long term.”

  I exhaled, “It sounds interesting, but I’m not sure that we want to go that route either.”

  “Think of it like therapy. You might be able to find something that you both agree on and it’s a chance to discuss things that are really out of your comfort zone. If you check out the extreme, then maybe he’ll feel more comfortable doing things that are normal.”

  “I’ll look into it. His dad had surgery and we’re probably going to be there all day. Depending on how things go over the next week, we might try to check out something as a chance to get out.”

  “When I was dating that guy, I made quite a few connections, so let me check and see what’s going on with the scene. Things change frequently so I’ll do some digging.”

  “Thanks, girl. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you to go to for advice.”

  “Can we wait on the advice until I’ve had a chance to wake up next time?” Sarah grumbled good-naturedly.

  “Oh, you mean until afternoon? Yeah, I’ll remember that next time I want to have a secret conversation away from everyone. Go back
to sleep and I’ll let you know how things are going at a reasonable hour later.”

  I wasn’t even sure that she’d heard what I’d said because there wasn’t an answer. She’d already gone back to sleep without hanging up.

  That girl was completely crazy, but that wasn’t a bad thing. In fact, it was such a breath of fresh air to have someone who could handle all of my unique situations because she wasn’t normal herself.

  “Bondage?” I muttered out loud. It wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when I thought about ways to make Jay comfortable, but it could work. I was willing to try anything if it made him come out of his shell a little bit.

  When we’d gone to bed, he had been able to let me hold him. Nothing else had happened in the bedroom because he’d fallen asleep with my arms around him.

  I was just thankful that he’d let me in enough to do that. All of the progress I’d done when I’d gone to his house last Thanksgiving, had been completely undone. Even on the visits, he’d been happy to see me and the guys, but he had stayed on the outside looking in.

  When we’d talked on the phone, he always told me what was happening at work and school. Somehow I’d missed the most important part of our relationship wasn’t really about the physical for him.

  He really thought I only touched him out of pity. For some reason, he still considered me a friend and because of that I’d wrongly assumed that we were more.

  My biggest concern was that he’d just followed along with the guys and our group activities because it was what he thought we wanted from him.

  How did we miss this? I loved his quirks. His OCD and introverted nature were part of who he was. I didn’t want to force him to love me and I knew that deep down inside he wanted to, but something had convinced him that I was stringing him along.

  I’d called Sarah about sex more as an excuse to vent, but I knew that this was more than I could handle. Jay needed some help and I wasn’t equipped to deal with this level of trauma. It wasn’t something that I could share with the guys because it was Jay’s personal secret.

  As I’d laid there last night, I had thought about all the things over the years when it had all fallen into place. When you looked at only a part of the puzzle, things didn’t always make sense until the whole picture was laid out in front of you.

  I just hoped it wasn’t too late to help him through this hard time and get him invested in the future. Mine and his futures needed some help. Maybe thought time, he would be able to accept my love.

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  Chapter 3

  Jay

  I’d woken up to find Roxie gone. Used to sleeping alone it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it had been nice to have her there.

  Her side of the bed was still warm, I decided to investigate. When I found her huddled out on the porch, I couldn’t help wandering in.

  “Why do you look so worried?” I questioned.

  She jumped up startled. “Oh, uh well. I was hoping to wait until we’d found out how your dad was doing today.”

  “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” I flopped onto the seat next to her.

  “No.” She spoke carefully, “But the fact that it was your first thought, is what has me worried.”

  “I always knew it would happen eventually. I mean the other guys are all fit or sexy and I’m just the intern.”

  “Actually, was hoping that we might be able to try something that would make you more comfortable being around me.”

  I sat up confused, “You’re not dumping me?”

  “No,” I had already said that, but he wasn’t hearing me, “Jay, I want us to communicate better and not have you scared of everything I’m saying.”

  “I’m not scared.” I protested crossing my arms defensively.

  “Maybe scared isn’t the right word. I feel that when we’re together, you’re always looking for the worst thing to happen. Like you can’t or won’t measure up. When we talk on the phone, it’s different somehow. It’s more like you’re okay because there’s no pressure to perform.”

  I nodded, “When we talk it’s like nothing ever happened between us and you’re just the same girl that I could always talk to. You knew exactly what I was thinking or how to help before I even knew I needed it. Now, that we’ve…” I motioned to the two of us, “you know, got naked, it’s different.”

  “Why did it change once we had sex?”

  My face started turning red. “I was shy before, but we met before all of the body stuff changed in jr. high and high school. Whenever I would look at you and get thoughts like all boys do, I would tell myself that I was a horrible person. I couldn’t like you because we were friends. Then you went and did that after graduation.”

  “Did I force you into something that you didn’t want to do?” She looked horrified at the thought and I couldn’t let her think that.

  “No, oh no. A million times no. I’d never been that close to a girl who was naked and then there you were asking to suck my dick.” I coughed as I said the words because they weren’t something I said often.

  “I wanted you to like me. I’d never compared myself to my friends because they were my friends, but that night changed things. I didn’t see them as just friends, now we were competing for you attention. I couldn’t hate them or you. So I watched as you got closer to Carter. You were in love with him and I wasn’t going to take that away from you. Then he left and Kelly slipped into his place.”

  “When you both showed up at my apartment, I’d convinced myself that I was just a friend and that was okay. I didn’t want to lose the friends that I had which included you. Only you didn’t act that way when you got there. You acted like it was normal for you and me to be together and Kelly would be okay with it. He seemed to be because we were both sleeping with you.”

  “What happened then?” She curled up and put her arms around her legs as if she needed protection from me. I didn’t want to upset her, but my dad was in the hospital and well she’d asked or maybe I just needed to get it all out.

  “Your mom and aunt got sick, Kelly left for the army and it just didn’t seem like the right to time to find out if I was more than a friend to you. I thought I’d just be the best friend I could be and go along with the flow. You know I don’t like to rock the boat or fight, it was easier to hope that you really did like me. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this.”

  “Why did you call me if you weren’t sure we were something more?” Tears were running down her face as she asked, but she didn’t move from her spot on the couch.

  “Somehow, even with all of these doubts, I knew when it came to being a friend you’d be there. I mean my secret hope is that you do love me, but how can you when there are three other guys who are much better guys? They don’t have to be asked or coaxed into if they want to have sex with you.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself, “How could you want me? You might like me, but you can’t love me. No, one can love each of us like that. I get I was just the flavor of the week and you got it out of your system. Honest, you don’t have to hang around with me. I get I’m not your first choice, but if you can manage it, I still need you to be my friend.”

  “Oh, honey.” She reached over taking my hand and pulling me toward her and the couch.

  “You weren’t just a pity person. You’re one of my people. I couldn’t choose between you because you all mean something different in my life. For me it was perfect to have all of you together. I love alone time with each one of you, but I love it when we’re all together as well.”

  She ran a hand through my hair as I leaned against her breast wondering where all these doubts had come from. Because right now it so normal for me be here with her.

  “What we did wrong was letting you go off by yourself without really having a chance to be part of a relationship.” She tapped my head before lifting my chin up to look at her, I let you get lost in your head. Long distance relationships are always hard and I just took that for granted.”

/>   “To be honest,” I looked up into her brown eyes trying hard not to get lost in them, “I was working so hard with school and the internship that even when I did have time off, I wouldn’t have had time to hang out because I was so tired.”

  I lowered my eyes, “The physical part of a relationship gives me anxiety. What do I do with my hand? Do you want a kiss or am I supposed to just give you one? It was easier to talk on the phone and not think about the more intimate details.”

  “Oh, honey, you’re right. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone without seeing their face because then we don’t have to think about our words verses in person our expressions tell the other person what we’re thinking and feeling even if we don’t want them to know.”

  She pushed me up so that we were sitting shoulder to shoulder, “But tell me this, were you thinking about me on those nights where you didn’t fall immediately to sleep?”

  Heat filled my face as I remembered a few of the times when I thought back to her taking my dick in her mouth that first time.

  “Yes,” I shifted uncomfortably next to her.

  “Umm, would you to close your eyes and just imagine it again?” She offered quietly as she slid to her knees in front of me.

  I knew what she wanted to do and while my brain screamed at me to stop her, I just nodded closing my eyes hoping that she wasn’t teasing me.

  The flap of my pajama pants moved giving her access to my very stiff member as I gripped the back of the seat in anticipation.

  Her mouth hovered over the tip of my dick as her warm breath made my body tremble. When her hand cupped around the base and held onto my nut sack as her tongue touched me. It took all of my restraint to not to cum in her mouth.

  As she took more of me into her mouth, I opened my eyes because I needed to focus on reality. This wasn’t a dream, she really wanted me.

  “That’s it.” I groaned, “The real thing feels so much better than I ever imagined.”

  She gave it a lick as if I was her lollypop, “Good because I want to you remember that I love you.”